(Non) Romantic Notions: Takeaways from Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance

 

Fits right in with my decor.

Fits right in with my decor.

Having picked Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance: An Investigation as the selection for my group’s book club, I feel like I can probably talk about the information gleaned from it for days on end. After all, I led a few meetings where we delved deep into what it all meant for those of us who were/are still wading in the dating pool. It’s a tome that felt so relevant to my life over these past few years, meaning it was ripe for discussion.

If you’ve read my previous post about the things I learned from our first book club read, Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life, you’ll understand that love, life, and bettering one’s self are constant themes that I reflect on. Modern Romance was a great continuation of our investigation into the idea of relationships without the urge to throw the book at the wall as we experienced with book two, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (not our choice, but we stuck it out), which seemed to set the whole idea of equality back and then some. Instead, Modern Romance has a present day sensibility and humour that makes it easy to relate to.

Our last meeting was in January. A lot has happened since then. I’ve allowed my thoughts about Modern Romance to stew, and these are the points that still stick out in my mind. They’re not necessarily things that make you feel like love is out there, or that romance is possibly around every corner. In fact, some of the findings from Aziz Ansari’s research and interviews has me questioning whether or not romance can even be found in modern life; have we stripped all notions of romance away? Yet, this is the reality for a lot of people today, myself included, and, for better or worse, we’ll muddle our way through it until we’re happy.

1) Online Introduction Services

With the Internet came the biggest change in the way we date. We’re no longer relegated to people like our neighbours and schoolmates. The pool is large and vast, and it’s online. Our biggest problem with online dating is that it is often seen by users as an instant way to find a soul mate. When we first sign up, we see so much potential and, often, our expectations can be high. But, those of us who have had the pleasure of sifting through all of those profiles know that it’s actually a huge chore and a lot of work. Usually, the outcome isn’t great. What I took away from Modern Romance is that you can’t go into online dating thinking of it as DATING. All dating sites or apps are essentially introduction services. Nothing more. It’s a way for you to reach out to someone you may never otherwise have a chance of coming into contact with. However, once you do, it’s up to both parties to put in the effort (i.e. actually talk, really make plans to meet).

2) Don’t Be So Judgemental

People are too quick to judge. They make snap decisions and refuse to give someone good a chance. Sometimes the reasoning might be sound. On other occasions, it just seems like it’s because we/they didn’t fulfill all of the boxes of perfection. Maybe we’re scared of opening up to a new person and that’s why we back out so fast. I’m not entirely sure. All I know is that there are times, for me, when it seemed like a meeting went well and the signs were there, but it still went nowhere. Now, I find myself wondering, what if? What if I had given so and so a second date? What if that guy didn’t ghost me after we met and he actually took the time to get to know me past that hour-long coffee date? He might not be my boyfriend, but maybe he’d end up being my friend. You never know.

3) What is Chemistry?

Chemistry is a funny idea. We’ve all experienced it. That sense of attraction to someone that just can’t be explained is something people continually seek out in friends and partners. Why do we have to have that off the bat though? In the past, I’ve found that I’ve become more attracted to someone the longer I know them. As friends, you learn a lot about each other and you’ve got that comfort that doesn’t necessarily appear out of the blue with someone who is, more or less, a stranger. Chemistry is great, and the idea of it has been around for a long time. However, living in the age we do now – constant connection and immediate access to our social spheres – we’ve become accustomed to the feeling of instant gratification and it’s not always a good thing. Sometimes the best outcomes take time.

4) No Talking Allowed

When I say no talking, I mean out loud and face-to-face. It has become the norm to text using your smart phone rather than to pick up the phone and make a call. I’m not sure of when we started fearing the idea of hearing each others’ voices, but it has happened. I know people who avoid speaking to someone over the phone whenever possible, and I find it funny because it’s not my favourite thing either anymore. Yet, rewind to when I was in junior high and high school, and I loved to phone up my friends just to catch up with them. Granted, we didn’t have the ability to text back then, but the sound of someone’s voice is so much more telling and warm than font on a screen, isn’t it?

5) Technology Has Ruined Romance

I might be exaggerating a little bit. Today’s dating endeavours are aided by the use of technology. But, all of it can be a bit of burden, too. Technology creates the ties that bind us, and, while it’s helpful, we’ve sort of lost that ability to communicate well. With that, we’ve also lost some of that spontaneity that many of us grew up with. No longer can we be satisfied with an impromptu date at the closest taco place. No, we’ve got to find the best possible date and the top-rated Mexican cantina in town before we even fathom going out. It’s all or nothing.

Look at all of those stickies.

Look at all of those stickies.

6) Too Much of Something is Bad Enough (thanks, Spice Girls)

Endless options create less satisfaction and make us more indecisive. Have you ever gone to a restaurant where the menu goes on for pages? You’re sitting there with your friends and none of them can make up their mind because, every time they flip the page, there’s another item that catches their eye. Dating today is like that, multiplied by 1,000. Is there someone better than the person I’m seeing? I want the best. The problem is, you’ll never know if you’ve got the best until you’ve sampled 100 per cent of the offerings, which is impossible. So, if you find someone you like who makes you happy, just be happy with them and don’t overthink it.

7) Quid Pro Quo

We often want what we’re not willing to give in return. I went to Aziz Anzari’s stand up show in San Diego last year. During the event, he asked the audience what approach they take when they’re not interested in someone: a) tell them, b) pretend to be busy, or c) say nothing. The audience was most responsive to Options B and C. On the flip side, when Aziz wanted to know how we’d prefer to find out that someone wasn’t interested in us, the majority cheered for Option A. Aziz thought that was a double standard and he was right. We ask for honesty and straightforwardness from others even when we refuse to offer the same.

8) The Non-Existent Relationship Status

Let’s just call it what it is. Early on, when getting to know someone, I totally understand that the relationship status is going to be in limbo. It’s likely that neither party has made a decision about where they want things to go yet. However, past that first meet and greet, I want it to be clear whether or not the next get together is an actual date. “Hanging out” is a term that I want to disappear unless it’s used in the context of friendship. I think that guys often utilize it because they want to be casual about things and women might say that because they don’t want to seem too eager. Either way, it’s frustrating when you get stuck in that zone.

9) Burn the Rule Book

There are many so-called rules of dating, but these “rules” can be debilitating. They’re ridiculous to follow and they’re often contradictory, so throw them out the window. For example, if the person on the other end is so judgmental about you replying to their text within minutes of you receiving it, then they really have nothing better to think about. People often reply quickly out of courtesy or because they know they’re forgetful when they wait, not because they don’t have a life. Being in “game” mode all the time is tiring and a waste of thought and effort. The rule is that there are no longer any rules.

10) Stigma Be Damned

Online dating used to be frowned upon by many. It probably still is by a few, but the stigma has certainly waned. Most singletons I know have tried it, and those who have been in long-term relationships and have never had a chance to use it themselves seem curious about how well it works. I would say that full acceptance depends on the forum (i.e. Tinder vs. Match), but even ideas about various sites and apps are changing over time. Regardless, the notion of meeting your significant other online isn’t so far-fetched nowadays. In fact, it’s more common than you’d guess.

Have you read Modern Romance? What were your takeaways? I’d love to hear in the comments section below.

Notes, notes and more notes.

Notes, notes and more notes.

Things I Learned From a Book About Finding Love

One of the daily practices prescribed in the book, Calling in "The One."

One of the daily practices prescribed in the book, Calling in “The One.”

My friend talked a couple of us into starting a book club with her. The book was Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life by Katherine Woodward Thomas. Needless to say, I was skeptical. It ultimately took half a year to finish, but I did it. Six months for a seven week program, or approximately 178 days versus the 49 it should supposedly take. The point is, it was more drawn out than it should have been.

Nevertheless, we juggled our work schedules, hobbies, social lives along with the readings and exercises, and, eventually, we managed to finish our final discussion. It has been about a month since our group last met, and I’m not sure the premise of the book worked. It may have for one of my friends, just not for me. Not yet, anyway. Granted, it doesn’t guarantee love is going to magically appear in your life within the time allotted on the cover.

Rather, as I worked my way through the pages from cover to cover, I understood that it’s not about doing things to make you seem more attractive on the surface. Instead, it’s a matter of getting to know who you are as a person, aiming to better yourself, and knowing that what you put out there is what you hope to receive in return because that’s what you deserve, for better or worse.

Honestly, I never imagined I’d read a book like this. I didn’t think it would come down to that. Then again, I never used to think I’d try speed dating or online dating, so never say never! However, despite my reservations, I found the author’s writings to be quite interesting and insightful, even when I felt like the examples didn’t quite apply to me. So, if you’re interested in giving Calling in “The One” a go, I’d recommend it.

If you’d prefer not to, but you’re wondering what kinds of nuggets are tucked away in the tome, I thought it would be good for me to list out the most important things I learned (or, at least, was reminded of) and to share them with you.

We are connected to everyone and everything.

We are connected to everyone and everything.

1. We might all live in our own little bubbles at times, but it’s important to remember that you are connected to everyone and everything. Think of the butterfly effect.

2. It’s necessary to make room for people in your life. If you cannot literally set aside space or time for them, you’re probably not mentally ready for a relationship.

3. Know what makes you happy and understand that you are allowed to be a bit selfish. Ask for what you want and need. Be okay with what people are willing and able to give to you.

4. Be the person you want to attract in your life. For example, you can’t expect to snag someone who’s ambitious if you’re perpetually lazy.

5. Have an idea of what you want in life. Vision boards can help you better visualize your goals and possibly guide you towards them.

6. Understand that you’re a work in progress and so is everyone else in this world. People are not perfect, but it’s important to be the best we’re capable of being at any given moment.

7. Believe that sometimes a loss is actually a gain. Often times, things happen for a reason, even if the reason isn’t clear at first.

8. Avoiding toxic ties and all around negativity is paramount in life. If we stew in all the bad, it makes it really hard to wash it out. Strive to be as positive as possible and only keep those whom you trust and who make you happy in your inner circle. Read about my quest for positivity here.

9. Take each mistake or failure as an opportunity to learn and improve yourself.

10. Life and love may not turn out to be exactly as you pictured, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Be open to possibilities.

11. Nurture any passions you have or think you might have because they build your character and make you who you are.

Simple pleasures can make a big impact.

Simple pleasures can make a big impact.

12. Live in the moment. Appreciate things as they happen because it may be your one and only chance to experience it. Show gratitude for even the smallest things because simple pleasures often make the biggest impact.

13. Know your own boundaries and don’t be afraid to draw lines if you need to. Others should have the decency to respect them. You’re allowed to say no and to speak up for yourself.

14. Your worries really can be put in a box and forgotten about until you wish to bring them out again. This one probably requires a little bit of explaining. One of the practices we were tasked with doing one week was to select a box, decorate it and then fill it with all of your worries. When you were done, you literally sealed them away. It made me realize that life can be overwhelming. We’re often trying to deal with multiple things at once. Yet, sometimes, it’s best to deal with difficult situations one at a time. It’s kind of a daunting thought, but if something isn’t solved right away, it’ll always be there later. For me, when I put my stresses on paper and then tucked them into my wisdom box, I felt so much lighter, and, truthfully, since I did that, I haven’t really dwelt as much on each and every thing that had been weighing me down.

15. There’s no point in having regrets about the past. You can’t change the past (unless you have a time machine). Just be sure to do the things you want to do now (as long as it’s feasible for you), so you don’t have any regrets in the future.

16. There are things I’d love to change about myself physically. However, it’ll either take a lot of time or it’s simply not going to happen (save for a body swap), so know that nobody has a truly perfect body (not even supermodels). You can be thankful for every inch of yourself for some reason or another. Ex. I wish my legs were longer and a lot slimmer, but, hey, I have legs and they give me the ability to walk. Win!

17. Cultivate solitude. You need to know who you are by yourself to know who you are when you’re with others. Read my post about being alone, but not lonely here.

18. Take some risks. Be a “yes” person.

Writing this post is my version of a personal risk. I probably would have been embarrassed to tell people about something like this in the past, but, nowadays, I believe that sharing is caring. I hope these words may inspire some of you or help you on your journeys in life and love. All the best!

Living a Positive Life

Folded papers with my positivity notes written on them.

Folded papers with my positivity notes written on them.

I’m not one to make resolutions when the new year rolls around. My track record when it comes to seeing them through isn’t great. So, I’m not calling this a resolution. It’s more a change of heart and mind, and this is something I opted to do in the last quarter of 2014.

Most of the previous year, I endeavoured, along with a couple of friends, to work through a book that was going to help us find love. Maybe it sounds a little silly, but it’s not like cupid had been knocking on my doorstep, so I figured I had nothing to lose. While not everything discussed in the book and during our club sessions felt entirely applicable to me, it was still an eye opening experience that helped to pave a little more of the path I should strive to follow.

All-in-all, the book wasn’t some immediate solution to solving my woes in the relationship department. However, it did give me more insight into the things that are important to me, and important to opening myself up to receiving what I need and want.

More than anything, I realized that I was beating myself up too much. I’ve always been one to compare myself to others. Yet, I understand that doing that serves no purpose. Over time I’ve begun to see that everything isn’t always what it seems. The people who have what look like picture perfect lives on the surface, may be suffering inside. Who knows, right?

The biggest takeaway for me as we reached the half way mark of the book was that I had to stop letting negativity into my life. I have always prided myself on being a very positive person. I hate to see sadness or disappointment, so I try to be a light. Sometimes it’s hard though. I’m well aware that things aren’t always sunshine and roses. Watching or reading news stories can get me down fast, thinking about where I am in my career and knowing I’m not even close to where I want to be bums me out, and other peoples’ consistently pessimistic views of the world push me to grow weary, but I finally decided that I had to counteract that.

As crazy as it may sound, I now believe that if you think and act optimistically – see the glass half full – you’ll feel a thousand times better. You can’t expect to think bad thoughts and not have them continue to affect you. Just saying you’re doing well when someone asks, even if you’re really not, works wonders. Honestly, it’s all a state of mind.

One of the best ways to do this is to remember all the things you’re grateful for. Do this every single day, not just once a year on Thanksgiving. Appreciate the little moments.

A joy jar that holds all of my wonderful memories until I shake them out come New Year's Eve 2015 and read them one by one...I think I need a bigger one!

A joy jar that holds all of my wonderful memories until I shake them out come New Year’s Eve 2015 and read them one by one…I think I need a bigger one!

That’s why I’ve started contributing to my joy jar. Every single time something that is nice, happy, funny, exciting or any other number of positively skewed adjectives happens, I’m going to write about it on a piece of paper, fold it up and place it into some sort of container. When New Year’s Eve 2015 finally arrives, I’m dumping each piece of paper out, and I’m going to go through them one by one to remind myself of just how fabulous my life has been and is. Big or small, I want my memories to be good ones.

Here are some rules that I think are essential to live by:

Be part of the solution. Pursue your interests, you never know where they may lead. Be a good friend. Listen to people, sometimes it’s all they require of you. Be your own person; avoid comparisons to others. Love fully and truthfully. Be giving and forgiving. Don’t hold things in, it never ends well. Be in the moment. Accept compliments. Be kind because kindness spreads. Smile.

Being Alone Does Not Mean Being Lonely

A reflective selfie taken on a trip to Toronto.

A reflective selfie taken on a trip to Toronto.

I’m very aware that my writings have become very food-centric these past several months. Chalk it up to having a goal to try as many top 100 Edmonton restaurants as possible and sticking to it, which I’ll have you know is actually a difficult thing for me. To my friends, it may look like I tend to have my ducks in a row, but, more often than not, I find myself procrastinating. The fact that I started on a journey, so to speak, and have managed to continue with it this long is a feat. I talk as if I’ve never accomplished anything in my life, but that is not true. I saw through finishing my undergrad and masters programs, things I can be proud of, but I’m sorry to say that I’ll probably never have a musical career because I gave up playing the guitar after two years of lessons.

That intro is a convoluted way of saying that I’m amazed I’ve run a marathon with this whole blogging thing thus far, and while I love eating and writing about my food adventures, that is not the only topic I want to discuss on my site. The name of my blog was a thoughtful combination of the things I really enjoy in life, and my articles or stories have evolved to incorporate happenings or interests that have come up along the way. I want to get back to making this a more well-rounded conversation, one that isn’t entirely focused on dining and/or an Edmonton-only audience.

Therefore, my chat with a co-worker/friend after work this past Tuesday gave me an idea for something that I feel is important to talk about.

The discussion came about because she was wondering why I was still at the office past 5pm. I told her it was because I was going to the Bahamas concert later that evening at the church across the street, and I was going to kill some time on the computer until the show. Of course, concerts being typically social things, she asked who I was going with. My reply was that I was going by myself. While friends, including her, were originally interested in joining me, none of them came through with purchasing their tickets, and it left me attending solo. I could easily have lied and said someone was meeting me there, so I wouldn’t sound like a “loser,” but I went with the truth because there’s no shame in doing anything by yourself. Her response was that “I was so cool” to do that, which I take as a great compliment because, I guess, it means I’m a secure enough person to not need anyone else. It also made me question why she thought it was such a unique thing. I used to regularly sit in fancy restaurants eating meals alone. The dishes were delicious. Not having anyone to go with wouldn’t stop me. I’ve gone to plays or to see films as a single. I’ve traveled without others and discovered what was unknown to me in cities by using my own direction-challenged mind. The thing is, I hadn’t done that in quite a while. This week’s concert was the first time in months, maybe even a year, that I’d find myself alone.

Sitting by myself inside McDougall United Church, waiting for Bahamas to start their show.

Sitting by myself inside McDougall United Church, waiting for Bahamas to start their show.

I’ve spent more time out and about this year than I can remember, and usually with other people. Don’t get me wrong, I like being a social butterfly, appreciating the time I get to spend with all of my friends (goodness knows that life is fleeting and things change so quickly, so take whatever you can with those that matter – I’ll miss you my latest food buddy!). There are plenty of benefits to spending time with them and my family. One situation is trying a new restaurant as there is only so much you can eat on your own, but with multiple people you can usually taste a little bit of everything. However, when I think on it, I do feel that I have missed ‘me.’ I’ve become so accustomed to having a companion for everything that I’ve forgotten how great it can be to do things on your own. Whether it’s getting dinner at an eatery, seeing a live show, watching a movie at the theatre or attending a conference, there is a kind of power to doing something by yourself without the need to present an image of who you believe you should be to those who think they know you. This not only applies to in-person situations, but the virtual world of social media as well. I don’t require that each acquaintance know my every move and can judge me for it. You shouldn’t crave that either.

Now, I’m not saying that I think you need to lock yourselves indoors and become hermits. Alone time can always be in the presence of other people. What I’m talking about is the intention of experiencing something without the company of close friends or family. It’s a deliberate attempt to step out of your boundaries, be independent, confident in being on your own, allowing yourself an opportunity to have a deeper understanding of who you really are, and possibly creating new connections. I know some people might be self-conscious in front of strangers, but that’s what they are, strangers. They don’t know you, so it shouldn’t matter if they think it’s weird that you’re on your own participating in things usually relegated to pairs or groups.

Heading to the Toronto City Hall during a visit in 2012. Doing one of the things I love the most - photography!

Heading to the Toronto City Hall during a visit in 2012. Doing one of the things I love the most – photography!

Expectation is that you can’t be alone forever, and showing up without a plus one is sort of sad. I fall victim to that mentality at times. I know it becomes comfortable having a friend with you by your side because society puts so much emphasis on getting out there, being social and having a relationship (if you don’t have a date or some sort of online existence nowadays, you suddenly become an outcast), but I believe that taking the time to discover who you are devoid of the influence of others is crucial in building our character and finding out what we truly like or don’t like. I wasn’t born thinking this way though. As someone who grew up being pretty introverted, it was always a challenge for me to allow myself to be free and willing to do what society dictated. I wasn’t a talkative child. I wasn’t outgoing. I was quiet and shy. Yet, I have moved past that. I’m no longer the wallflower that prefers to stand back, but I have also come to terms with the need and want to do things alone when I know I must. More people have to understand the importance of that to one’s psyche. Whether you’re single, dating or married, I think it’s pertinent to do this throughout your life.

Movies always show people going off on some retreat to “find themselves” as if a weekend away is going to lead to some epiphanies. It goes without saying, real life doesn’t always work that quickly. It requires a constant willingness to evolve and an understanding that answers don’t always come so easily. Yet, if you spend the time to get to know you for you, what you may need might not be or seem so out of reach.

A beautiful shot of the entrance to Somerset House in London. Taken on a solo excursion to see the Valentino exhibit in 2013. I needed a break from my family who had accompanied me on the vacation.

A beautiful shot of the entrance to Somerset House in London. Taken on a solo excursion to see the Valentino exhibit in 2013. I needed a break from my family who had accompanied me on the vacation.

This week’s realization was like a collision of Tuesday’s conversation and the book a couple of friends and I are working through. We started a book club to help each other through our ‘aloneness’ stemming from singledom in what feels like a sea of couples of late. Calling in ‘The One’ was the chosen tome. Still tackling the included exercises, we have just completed Week 5 out of 7, which ends on the idea of cultivating solitude, so should you be uncomfortable going out in public to do things often meant for two or more, work on carving out 5 to 15 minutes or an hour during your week to do nothing at home.

Shut everything down, sit in stillness and listen to what your mind and body say. Most of us have been programmed to think TV, video games and music help us to fill time and drown out boredom, but all of that is really white noise. It is good to veg out with a favourite show once in a while; however, it often becomes our go to. Instead, take your inner monologue to heart and build a clearer picture of what will create a more fulfilled life. Try to use your alone time to be productive and nurture the ideas that you think may become your passions. It can be a fun process that may include learning how to cook wonderful meals, writing an actual letter to a good friend, painting a watercolour, working on a DIY project, focusing on a healthier lifestyle, among many things. One of those growing passions may push you to venture outside on your own, so you can further explore those personal ambitions.

Communal events, when experienced as a singular individual, serve as reminders that there are so many more things and people out there in the world that we have yet to discover and that are simply a step away from the circles that we have already established. You might be surprised to see that you can go to an event without a companion and have just as much fun because there’s nothing wrong with being alone. In fact, it’s pretty darn cool.

Speed Dating: An 8-Minute Numbers Game?

I’m 28 years old and currently single. The majority of my friends are coupled, engaged, married or starting families. They don’t know anyone they can set me up with and I work in an office that is primarily filled with women or people who are quite a bit older than me. I’ve never been the type of person who frequents the bar to meet people and that’s not changing anytime soon. What’s a girl to do?

I’ve tried online dating like so many others are inclined to do nowadays, but it has never really worked for me. So, when my friend, who has also tried the online thing, asked if I would be willing to go speed dating with her, I thought now was as good a time as any to mix it up. Life isn’t throwing guys my way through the usual means anyway, so why not give it a shot, right?

We did a little bit of research and saw that events through Fastlife.ca catered to specific themes (university educated, travel lovers, professionals, tall men, etc.) and decided that we would wait to see if we could find a deal through a discount voucher site (another friend of mine had done that before). The usual cost of the majority of their events is $59.99, which is a hefty price when you’re not really sure that it’s going to lead to anything; if we could save some money, it would help to convince us it was a good idea. Plus, if we had a good time, the extra cash could be put towards going to another date night in the future. Eventually we lucked out and found ourselves a coupon through Groupon (my go to website). The stars were aligned; we were on our way to potentially meeting some new people, new guys.

The Venue - L1 Lounge at WEM. We took up the left side.

The Venue – L1 Lounge at WEM. We took up the left side.

Arriving a bit before the 7:30 pm start time, we entered L1 Lounge at West Edmonton Mall and had absolutely no idea what to do. The host for the evening hadn’t arrived, so we popped back out and waited a bit before returning. When we came back about 10 minutes later, the hostess was there and greeted us, letting us know where everyone would be seated later on and invited us to grab a drink at the bar to unwind until all participants showed up.

My friend and I were the first ones there, so we each ordered a beverage and perched ourselves on a couple stools, watching as various men and women trickled in. I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit we were sizing people up a little bit. After all, the girls were our competition and the guys were the reason why we were there.

The whole thing didn’t even begin until about eight o’clock, but it was a whirlwind of 12 mini dates. While it was a good time and it breezed by (before I knew it, it was over and it was already 10 pm), it was also a tad draining. Thankfully, though, it wasn’t like the movies tend to depict it.

I will say that some of the “dates” were great – conversation flowed well or I could feel an immediate connection – and others were a bit strained or awkward, feeling as if the eight minutes dragged. If you think about it, there is a lot riding on that first impression. Based on the experience of my friend and I, here are some tips for the guys: never talk about your ex, refrain from getting too touchy-feely, avoid rehearsing what you’re going to say to us, and don’t steer the whole conversation. The time we spend together, although short, should feel organic. Many of the guys were very nice, some a bit shy, a couple were somewhat arrogant, lots were engineers, all of them were just hoping, like we were, to meet someone great. If we liked them, we were supposed to check off their name on our cards. The host would go through them afterwards to figure out our matches and then notify us.

Ultimately, we ended up making a new girlfriend who is relatively new to the city, and, naturally, we invited her to join us for dessert after the event closed up shop and all the speed daters dispersed. We chatted about how it all went as girls are apt to do and came to the realization that there are plenty of us in the same boat. All of the ladies looked like great catches. We’re not sure why it’s so hard to find someone we can connect with, but we’re willing to take our time to find the right person. Of course, that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun in the meantime. One friend pondered why they didn’t make it larger where would we meet twenty people instead of a dozen, but my response to that was that it’s so overwhelming. We already had a hard enough time recalling all the conversations we had that night and differentiating the guys from one another after we left, let alone adding another eight people to the mix.

Our treat for the evening. The dessert trio at Moxie's!

Our treat for the evening. The dessert trio at Moxie’s!

However, I posed this question to my friends over our dessert: despite some complaints about some of the guys and the event itself, would you ever go speed dating again? At first it was a resounding “no” from both of my friends, but slowly one changed her mind. Initially, I said I might choose to take part once more, but after being told we would receive our mutual matches the following day and not actually hearing anything for three days, I thought the service could have been better.

In the end, I received two matches, but after such a delay to find out who they were, I think many of us already forgot who we had spoken to. The details melded together and it became a big blur, at least for me. The postponed notice of our matches took away from the momentum of the initial contact, and we started to think maybe we didn’t get any matches at all. I was the one who decided to reach out to my matches first (it’s time for the ladies to take charge), but I feel that with e-mail as the only point of contact, it becomes too easy for someone to disregard the matches and move on without attempting to see where an additional meeting could lead. In my case, one of my matches told me he doesn’t like to go out with more than one person at a time, and since he already had plans to meet someone else from the same event, he wasn’t planning to see me. I don’t know what you think about that, but my first thought was, “this is the first time you’re going out with this other person since the event. Based on an eight minute conversation, you’re putting all your eggs in one basket and missing out on other opportunities.” But, really, it’s his loss, not mine. I went into this without any major expectations, had a fun night, checked off guys that aren’t usually my “type” (not that I have one), but had good conversation with, and just left it at that. I figured the worst that could happen is that they didn’t feel the same. I had no attachments yet, so I wouldn’t be broken up over the outcome.

Would I recommend going to something like this with a friend or two? It’s a tough call. If you like the idea of having a friend there for support and to talk to about the whole ordeal afterwards, then, yes, I’d say bring someone along. But, if you can be the jealous type, I’d tell you that it might be best to go on your own. It would be terrible if you were excited about someone you met, but your friend was matched instead, or perhaps if you both received the same matches, but it didn’t work out for one of you. It’s really a judgement call. Although, no matter what, you have to take it all in stride. You can’t invest everything in this one instance because life doesn’t always go the way you expect it to. I enjoyed going with my friend as the discussion alone was worth it.

The index page of FastLife.ca

The index page of FastLife.ca

With regards to the event coordination, I would say that, for the regular cost of $60, not having a drink included is unfortunate; also nacho chips with no toppings and just sides of salsa and sour cream were included, but not placed out until the very end. They weren’t enticing enough to keep participants there. In fact, in my opinion, FastLife was a bit cheap considering the amount of money each person spent on the evening. Know that if you decide to attend one of these events, there might be extra costs associated. I may try this avenue again because I wouldn’t mind seeing what kind of guys show up at the other themed evenings. However, I would definitely seek out another deal or wait for FastLife to offer one (they do on occasion) as I think it’s too expensive to go for full price.

At the end of the day, dating nowadays seems like it’s a numbers game. You have to put yourself out there if you want to find someone you’re willing to start a relationship with. Some people are lucky to find their other half early in life and for others it takes a little more time. If anything, going to events like this, I might make a new circle of friends and I’m always up for that.

If you’re considering speed dating, remember that it’s all in good fun. You have to go in with an open mind and just be ready to take a chance. Hopefully, you’ll have a fun time, maybe make a friend or two and come out of it with some good stories to tell.