Coping in the Modern Workplace: Takeaways from Liz Fosslien’s & Mollie West Duffy’s No Hard Feelings

My uncorrected proof of No Hard Feelings.

Since the beginning of 2019, one of my resolutions for the year has been to read at least one new book every month. Honestly, that’s not a lot. When I was a child, I devoured books like candy. Over the summer, you would find me at the library getting my hands on as many novels as they’d allow me to have at one time. But, nowadays, I’m finding that this past love has been put on the back burner.

I can say with pride that, since January, I’ve been very diligent about sticking to this particular decision. In fact, it’s probably been the easiest of my multiple resolutions to abide by. Yet, unlike the first few months of the year, in April, I shifted from fiction over to a book about business culture. Written by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy, No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work, is something I wish I had read when I initially came into contact with the uncorrected proof that I own. Instead, it sat untouched for almost six months.

While it might be beneficial to give my readers a full recap of the book, I won’t do that. I urge those who might be grappling with difficulties at the office or in their careers to borrow or purchase a copy and read it all the way through. It’s written incredibly well with charming images and anecdotes as well as real-world examples that help you understand how the issues the authors discuss might play a role in your day-to-day workplace situations. Personally, I found it to be an easy, relatable and insightful read.

Broken down across seven chapters — Health, Motivation, Decision Making, Teams, Communication, Culture, and Leadership — that dictate the new rules for work, these were my favourite takeaways:

1) Health: Stop feeling bad about feeling bad.

I’m so guilty of this. Lately I’ve been overwhelmed with the workload at my office. I feel bad about not being able to get through more and I feel bad about leaving things behind every day. But, I really shouldn’t be put in that position. It’s not my fault that we don’t have the resources needed to accomplish everything that the organization expects of us within the time frame that they have dictated. I’m simply one person who can only do so many things at a time. Rather than feeling bad about what I’m not able to get to, I should feel good about what I am able to achieve on a daily basis.

2) Motivation: To increase your autonomy, make small changes to your schedule.

I love the idea of this notion, but it is easier said than done. I believe that the amount of autonomy you have with your schedule is very dependent upon the flexibility of your workplace. Despite providing valid arguments to management about working different hours or from home, my organization usually isn’t willing to negotiate. Yet, if they’d budge just a little bit, it could make a world of difference to my overall health and happiness.

3) Decision Making: Keep integral emotions (those related to the decision you’re facing) and toss incidental emotions (those unrelated to the decision you’re facing).

People have a tendency to bring outside feelings into the decision making process at work and in their personal lives. It reminds me of a scene from How I Met Your Mother in which they discuss the cycle (or circle) of screaming. For example: perhaps we ran into issues on the way to work, which have already put us in a bad mood. Someone has a great idea, but we don’t want to listen right at that moment, so we brush it off because we’re preoccupied with what occurred before and it clouds our judgement. It’s important at those times to compartmentalize those emotions as they don’t actually have anything to do with the other. All too often, we let negative forces take control when they should be ignored instead.

 

4) Teams: Get rid of (or if you can’t, contain) bad apples to preserve psychological safety on your team.

I’m not a manager, so I don’t have much say over what ultimately happens when it comes to hiring or firing someone. But, I’ve had my fair share of issues that I’ve had to bring up to my boss. Unfortunately, most have gone unresolved. A good manager would do their best to rid of or contain the bad apples on the team, so that the rest of the members can excel without worrying about picking up the slack or being overwhelmed by the demands of other co-workers. If you’re on a team that has bad apples, don’t let it slide. Make it known to higher ups because, if they’re any good, they should want their staff to feel safe and valued.

5) Communication: Feelings aren’t facts. Make criticism specific and actionable.

Your personal feelings about someone should not come into play when judging them on how well they can do their job. You may have many things in common with a colleague; therefore, you get along better with them. But, just because you’re friends, it doesn’t mean that they might be the best at handling their responsibilities. Vice versa for those who you may not be buddy-buddy with. They might be amazing at their job, but they never get the recognition because you’re not as close. It’s important to look at the facts as they are presented without bringing other outside factors to the table.

6) Culture: Create a culture of belonging through microactions.

I have to say that I’ve shied away over the past few years from getting to know a lot of my co-workers better. Aside from those that I work directly with (most of us are good friends), I have a business relationship with the rest and that’s about it. However, I don’t think that my company has done a great job of integrating people together either. I’ve found it especially true when it comes to new hires. The last handful of staff who have started with the organization were announced by email with no other attempt by management to introduce them. The least they could have done was brought them around to each department to say “Hi,” but it never happened. When higher ups don’t care enough to create a welcoming culture, it’s certainly not going to trickle down to the rest of the staff as something that is important.

7) Leadership: Become a student of the people you manage.

As the book says, avoid telling people what to feel, listen carefully, and manage individually. I’ve noticed in my office that management doesn’t like to approach staff directly with issues that arise. Instead, it’s either avoided entirely, or a mass email is sent giving notes on how something should be done when usually it’s only one or two who are the culprits of incorrect processes, etc. I believe that addressing problems in that way makes those who are doing things properly wonder what else they might have done wrong when, in fact, they haven’t made a misstep at all, and it downplays the issues for those who actually screwed up.

Additionally, I think managers often sit on a pedestal and think they know best when it comes to the day-to-day for their staff. A lot of the time, managers fail to listen to their employees or walk in their shoes before making big decisions that ultimately affect everyone else. Taking the opportunity to learn the actual responsibilities of their team members is a huge step in the right direction when you want to lead properly.

(Non) Romantic Notions: Takeaways from Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance

 

Fits right in with my decor.

Fits right in with my decor.

Having picked Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance: An Investigation as the selection for my group’s book club, I feel like I can probably talk about the information gleaned from it for days on end. After all, I led a few meetings where we delved deep into what it all meant for those of us who were/are still wading in the dating pool. It’s a tome that felt so relevant to my life over these past few years, meaning it was ripe for discussion.

If you’ve read my previous post about the things I learned from our first book club read, Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life, you’ll understand that love, life, and bettering one’s self are constant themes that I reflect on. Modern Romance was a great continuation of our investigation into the idea of relationships without the urge to throw the book at the wall as we experienced with book two, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (not our choice, but we stuck it out), which seemed to set the whole idea of equality back and then some. Instead, Modern Romance has a present day sensibility and humour that makes it easy to relate to.

Our last meeting was in January. A lot has happened since then. I’ve allowed my thoughts about Modern Romance to stew, and these are the points that still stick out in my mind. They’re not necessarily things that make you feel like love is out there, or that romance is possibly around every corner. In fact, some of the findings from Aziz Ansari’s research and interviews has me questioning whether or not romance can even be found in modern life; have we stripped all notions of romance away? Yet, this is the reality for a lot of people today, myself included, and, for better or worse, we’ll muddle our way through it until we’re happy.

1) Online Introduction Services

With the Internet came the biggest change in the way we date. We’re no longer relegated to people like our neighbours and schoolmates. The pool is large and vast, and it’s online. Our biggest problem with online dating is that it is often seen by users as an instant way to find a soul mate. When we first sign up, we see so much potential and, often, our expectations can be high. But, those of us who have had the pleasure of sifting through all of those profiles know that it’s actually a huge chore and a lot of work. Usually, the outcome isn’t great. What I took away from Modern Romance is that you can’t go into online dating thinking of it as DATING. All dating sites or apps are essentially introduction services. Nothing more. It’s a way for you to reach out to someone you may never otherwise have a chance of coming into contact with. However, once you do, it’s up to both parties to put in the effort (i.e. actually talk, really make plans to meet).

2) Don’t Be So Judgemental

People are too quick to judge. They make snap decisions and refuse to give someone good a chance. Sometimes the reasoning might be sound. On other occasions, it just seems like it’s because we/they didn’t fulfill all of the boxes of perfection. Maybe we’re scared of opening up to a new person and that’s why we back out so fast. I’m not entirely sure. All I know is that there are times, for me, when it seemed like a meeting went well and the signs were there, but it still went nowhere. Now, I find myself wondering, what if? What if I had given so and so a second date? What if that guy didn’t ghost me after we met and he actually took the time to get to know me past that hour-long coffee date? He might not be my boyfriend, but maybe he’d end up being my friend. You never know.

3) What is Chemistry?

Chemistry is a funny idea. We’ve all experienced it. That sense of attraction to someone that just can’t be explained is something people continually seek out in friends and partners. Why do we have to have that off the bat though? In the past, I’ve found that I’ve become more attracted to someone the longer I know them. As friends, you learn a lot about each other and you’ve got that comfort that doesn’t necessarily appear out of the blue with someone who is, more or less, a stranger. Chemistry is great, and the idea of it has been around for a long time. However, living in the age we do now – constant connection and immediate access to our social spheres – we’ve become accustomed to the feeling of instant gratification and it’s not always a good thing. Sometimes the best outcomes take time.

4) No Talking Allowed

When I say no talking, I mean out loud and face-to-face. It has become the norm to text using your smart phone rather than to pick up the phone and make a call. I’m not sure of when we started fearing the idea of hearing each others’ voices, but it has happened. I know people who avoid speaking to someone over the phone whenever possible, and I find it funny because it’s not my favourite thing either anymore. Yet, rewind to when I was in junior high and high school, and I loved to phone up my friends just to catch up with them. Granted, we didn’t have the ability to text back then, but the sound of someone’s voice is so much more telling and warm than font on a screen, isn’t it?

5) Technology Has Ruined Romance

I might be exaggerating a little bit. Today’s dating endeavours are aided by the use of technology. But, all of it can be a bit of burden, too. Technology creates the ties that bind us, and, while it’s helpful, we’ve sort of lost that ability to communicate well. With that, we’ve also lost some of that spontaneity that many of us grew up with. No longer can we be satisfied with an impromptu date at the closest taco place. No, we’ve got to find the best possible date and the top-rated Mexican cantina in town before we even fathom going out. It’s all or nothing.

Look at all of those stickies.

Look at all of those stickies.

6) Too Much of Something is Bad Enough (thanks, Spice Girls)

Endless options create less satisfaction and make us more indecisive. Have you ever gone to a restaurant where the menu goes on for pages? You’re sitting there with your friends and none of them can make up their mind because, every time they flip the page, there’s another item that catches their eye. Dating today is like that, multiplied by 1,000. Is there someone better than the person I’m seeing? I want the best. The problem is, you’ll never know if you’ve got the best until you’ve sampled 100 per cent of the offerings, which is impossible. So, if you find someone you like who makes you happy, just be happy with them and don’t overthink it.

7) Quid Pro Quo

We often want what we’re not willing to give in return. I went to Aziz Anzari’s stand up show in San Diego last year. During the event, he asked the audience what approach they take when they’re not interested in someone: a) tell them, b) pretend to be busy, or c) say nothing. The audience was most responsive to Options B and C. On the flip side, when Aziz wanted to know how we’d prefer to find out that someone wasn’t interested in us, the majority cheered for Option A. Aziz thought that was a double standard and he was right. We ask for honesty and straightforwardness from others even when we refuse to offer the same.

8) The Non-Existent Relationship Status

Let’s just call it what it is. Early on, when getting to know someone, I totally understand that the relationship status is going to be in limbo. It’s likely that neither party has made a decision about where they want things to go yet. However, past that first meet and greet, I want it to be clear whether or not the next get together is an actual date. “Hanging out” is a term that I want to disappear unless it’s used in the context of friendship. I think that guys often utilize it because they want to be casual about things and women might say that because they don’t want to seem too eager. Either way, it’s frustrating when you get stuck in that zone.

9) Burn the Rule Book

There are many so-called rules of dating, but these “rules” can be debilitating. They’re ridiculous to follow and they’re often contradictory, so throw them out the window. For example, if the person on the other end is so judgmental about you replying to their text within minutes of you receiving it, then they really have nothing better to think about. People often reply quickly out of courtesy or because they know they’re forgetful when they wait, not because they don’t have a life. Being in “game” mode all the time is tiring and a waste of thought and effort. The rule is that there are no longer any rules.

10) Stigma Be Damned

Online dating used to be frowned upon by many. It probably still is by a few, but the stigma has certainly waned. Most singletons I know have tried it, and those who have been in long-term relationships and have never had a chance to use it themselves seem curious about how well it works. I would say that full acceptance depends on the forum (i.e. Tinder vs. Match), but even ideas about various sites and apps are changing over time. Regardless, the notion of meeting your significant other online isn’t so far-fetched nowadays. In fact, it’s more common than you’d guess.

Have you read Modern Romance? What were your takeaways? I’d love to hear in the comments section below.

Notes, notes and more notes.

Notes, notes and more notes.

Things I Learned From a Book About Finding Love

One of the daily practices prescribed in the book, Calling in "The One."

One of the daily practices prescribed in the book, Calling in “The One.”

My friend talked a couple of us into starting a book club with her. The book was Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life by Katherine Woodward Thomas. Needless to say, I was skeptical. It ultimately took half a year to finish, but I did it. Six months for a seven week program, or approximately 178 days versus the 49 it should supposedly take. The point is, it was more drawn out than it should have been.

Nevertheless, we juggled our work schedules, hobbies, social lives along with the readings and exercises, and, eventually, we managed to finish our final discussion. It has been about a month since our group last met, and I’m not sure the premise of the book worked. It may have for one of my friends, just not for me. Not yet, anyway. Granted, it doesn’t guarantee love is going to magically appear in your life within the time allotted on the cover.

Rather, as I worked my way through the pages from cover to cover, I understood that it’s not about doing things to make you seem more attractive on the surface. Instead, it’s a matter of getting to know who you are as a person, aiming to better yourself, and knowing that what you put out there is what you hope to receive in return because that’s what you deserve, for better or worse.

Honestly, I never imagined I’d read a book like this. I didn’t think it would come down to that. Then again, I never used to think I’d try speed dating or online dating, so never say never! However, despite my reservations, I found the author’s writings to be quite interesting and insightful, even when I felt like the examples didn’t quite apply to me. So, if you’re interested in giving Calling in “The One” a go, I’d recommend it.

If you’d prefer not to, but you’re wondering what kinds of nuggets are tucked away in the tome, I thought it would be good for me to list out the most important things I learned (or, at least, was reminded of) and to share them with you.

We are connected to everyone and everything.

We are connected to everyone and everything.

1. We might all live in our own little bubbles at times, but it’s important to remember that you are connected to everyone and everything. Think of the butterfly effect.

2. It’s necessary to make room for people in your life. If you cannot literally set aside space or time for them, you’re probably not mentally ready for a relationship.

3. Know what makes you happy and understand that you are allowed to be a bit selfish. Ask for what you want and need. Be okay with what people are willing and able to give to you.

4. Be the person you want to attract in your life. For example, you can’t expect to snag someone who’s ambitious if you’re perpetually lazy.

5. Have an idea of what you want in life. Vision boards can help you better visualize your goals and possibly guide you towards them.

6. Understand that you’re a work in progress and so is everyone else in this world. People are not perfect, but it’s important to be the best we’re capable of being at any given moment.

7. Believe that sometimes a loss is actually a gain. Often times, things happen for a reason, even if the reason isn’t clear at first.

8. Avoiding toxic ties and all around negativity is paramount in life. If we stew in all the bad, it makes it really hard to wash it out. Strive to be as positive as possible and only keep those whom you trust and who make you happy in your inner circle. Read about my quest for positivity here.

9. Take each mistake or failure as an opportunity to learn and improve yourself.

10. Life and love may not turn out to be exactly as you pictured, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Be open to possibilities.

11. Nurture any passions you have or think you might have because they build your character and make you who you are.

Simple pleasures can make a big impact.

Simple pleasures can make a big impact.

12. Live in the moment. Appreciate things as they happen because it may be your one and only chance to experience it. Show gratitude for even the smallest things because simple pleasures often make the biggest impact.

13. Know your own boundaries and don’t be afraid to draw lines if you need to. Others should have the decency to respect them. You’re allowed to say no and to speak up for yourself.

14. Your worries really can be put in a box and forgotten about until you wish to bring them out again. This one probably requires a little bit of explaining. One of the practices we were tasked with doing one week was to select a box, decorate it and then fill it with all of your worries. When you were done, you literally sealed them away. It made me realize that life can be overwhelming. We’re often trying to deal with multiple things at once. Yet, sometimes, it’s best to deal with difficult situations one at a time. It’s kind of a daunting thought, but if something isn’t solved right away, it’ll always be there later. For me, when I put my stresses on paper and then tucked them into my wisdom box, I felt so much lighter, and, truthfully, since I did that, I haven’t really dwelt as much on each and every thing that had been weighing me down.

15. There’s no point in having regrets about the past. You can’t change the past (unless you have a time machine). Just be sure to do the things you want to do now (as long as it’s feasible for you), so you don’t have any regrets in the future.

16. There are things I’d love to change about myself physically. However, it’ll either take a lot of time or it’s simply not going to happen (save for a body swap), so know that nobody has a truly perfect body (not even supermodels). You can be thankful for every inch of yourself for some reason or another. Ex. I wish my legs were longer and a lot slimmer, but, hey, I have legs and they give me the ability to walk. Win!

17. Cultivate solitude. You need to know who you are by yourself to know who you are when you’re with others. Read my post about being alone, but not lonely here.

18. Take some risks. Be a “yes” person.

Writing this post is my version of a personal risk. I probably would have been embarrassed to tell people about something like this in the past, but, nowadays, I believe that sharing is caring. I hope these words may inspire some of you or help you on your journeys in life and love. All the best!