(Non) Romantic Notions: Takeaways from Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance

 

Fits right in with my decor.

Fits right in with my decor.

Having picked Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance: An Investigation as the selection for my group’s book club, I feel like I can probably talk about the information gleaned from it for days on end. After all, I led a few meetings where we delved deep into what it all meant for those of us who were/are still wading in the dating pool. It’s a tome that felt so relevant to my life over these past few years, meaning it was ripe for discussion.

If you’ve read my previous post about the things I learned from our first book club read, Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life, you’ll understand that love, life, and bettering one’s self are constant themes that I reflect on. Modern Romance was a great continuation of our investigation into the idea of relationships without the urge to throw the book at the wall as we experienced with book two, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (not our choice, but we stuck it out), which seemed to set the whole idea of equality back and then some. Instead, Modern Romance has a present day sensibility and humour that makes it easy to relate to.

Our last meeting was in January. A lot has happened since then. I’ve allowed my thoughts about Modern Romance to stew, and these are the points that still stick out in my mind. They’re not necessarily things that make you feel like love is out there, or that romance is possibly around every corner. In fact, some of the findings from Aziz Ansari’s research and interviews has me questioning whether or not romance can even be found in modern life; have we stripped all notions of romance away? Yet, this is the reality for a lot of people today, myself included, and, for better or worse, we’ll muddle our way through it until we’re happy.

1) Online Introduction Services

With the Internet came the biggest change in the way we date. We’re no longer relegated to people like our neighbours and schoolmates. The pool is large and vast, and it’s online. Our biggest problem with online dating is that it is often seen by users as an instant way to find a soul mate. When we first sign up, we see so much potential and, often, our expectations can be high. But, those of us who have had the pleasure of sifting through all of those profiles know that it’s actually a huge chore and a lot of work. Usually, the outcome isn’t great. What I took away from Modern Romance is that you can’t go into online dating thinking of it as DATING. All dating sites or apps are essentially introduction services. Nothing more. It’s a way for you to reach out to someone you may never otherwise have a chance of coming into contact with. However, once you do, it’s up to both parties to put in the effort (i.e. actually talk, really make plans to meet).

2) Don’t Be So Judgemental

People are too quick to judge. They make snap decisions and refuse to give someone good a chance. Sometimes the reasoning might be sound. On other occasions, it just seems like it’s because we/they didn’t fulfill all of the boxes of perfection. Maybe we’re scared of opening up to a new person and that’s why we back out so fast. I’m not entirely sure. All I know is that there are times, for me, when it seemed like a meeting went well and the signs were there, but it still went nowhere. Now, I find myself wondering, what if? What if I had given so and so a second date? What if that guy didn’t ghost me after we met and he actually took the time to get to know me past that hour-long coffee date? He might not be my boyfriend, but maybe he’d end up being my friend. You never know.

3) What is Chemistry?

Chemistry is a funny idea. We’ve all experienced it. That sense of attraction to someone that just can’t be explained is something people continually seek out in friends and partners. Why do we have to have that off the bat though? In the past, I’ve found that I’ve become more attracted to someone the longer I know them. As friends, you learn a lot about each other and you’ve got that comfort that doesn’t necessarily appear out of the blue with someone who is, more or less, a stranger. Chemistry is great, and the idea of it has been around for a long time. However, living in the age we do now – constant connection and immediate access to our social spheres – we’ve become accustomed to the feeling of instant gratification and it’s not always a good thing. Sometimes the best outcomes take time.

4) No Talking Allowed

When I say no talking, I mean out loud and face-to-face. It has become the norm to text using your smart phone rather than to pick up the phone and make a call. I’m not sure of when we started fearing the idea of hearing each others’ voices, but it has happened. I know people who avoid speaking to someone over the phone whenever possible, and I find it funny because it’s not my favourite thing either anymore. Yet, rewind to when I was in junior high and high school, and I loved to phone up my friends just to catch up with them. Granted, we didn’t have the ability to text back then, but the sound of someone’s voice is so much more telling and warm than font on a screen, isn’t it?

5) Technology Has Ruined Romance

I might be exaggerating a little bit. Today’s dating endeavours are aided by the use of technology. But, all of it can be a bit of burden, too. Technology creates the ties that bind us, and, while it’s helpful, we’ve sort of lost that ability to communicate well. With that, we’ve also lost some of that spontaneity that many of us grew up with. No longer can we be satisfied with an impromptu date at the closest taco place. No, we’ve got to find the best possible date and the top-rated Mexican cantina in town before we even fathom going out. It’s all or nothing.

Look at all of those stickies.

Look at all of those stickies.

6) Too Much of Something is Bad Enough (thanks, Spice Girls)

Endless options create less satisfaction and make us more indecisive. Have you ever gone to a restaurant where the menu goes on for pages? You’re sitting there with your friends and none of them can make up their mind because, every time they flip the page, there’s another item that catches their eye. Dating today is like that, multiplied by 1,000. Is there someone better than the person I’m seeing? I want the best. The problem is, you’ll never know if you’ve got the best until you’ve sampled 100 per cent of the offerings, which is impossible. So, if you find someone you like who makes you happy, just be happy with them and don’t overthink it.

7) Quid Pro Quo

We often want what we’re not willing to give in return. I went to Aziz Anzari’s stand up show in San Diego last year. During the event, he asked the audience what approach they take when they’re not interested in someone: a) tell them, b) pretend to be busy, or c) say nothing. The audience was most responsive to Options B and C. On the flip side, when Aziz wanted to know how we’d prefer to find out that someone wasn’t interested in us, the majority cheered for Option A. Aziz thought that was a double standard and he was right. We ask for honesty and straightforwardness from others even when we refuse to offer the same.

8) The Non-Existent Relationship Status

Let’s just call it what it is. Early on, when getting to know someone, I totally understand that the relationship status is going to be in limbo. It’s likely that neither party has made a decision about where they want things to go yet. However, past that first meet and greet, I want it to be clear whether or not the next get together is an actual date. “Hanging out” is a term that I want to disappear unless it’s used in the context of friendship. I think that guys often utilize it because they want to be casual about things and women might say that because they don’t want to seem too eager. Either way, it’s frustrating when you get stuck in that zone.

9) Burn the Rule Book

There are many so-called rules of dating, but these “rules” can be debilitating. They’re ridiculous to follow and they’re often contradictory, so throw them out the window. For example, if the person on the other end is so judgmental about you replying to their text within minutes of you receiving it, then they really have nothing better to think about. People often reply quickly out of courtesy or because they know they’re forgetful when they wait, not because they don’t have a life. Being in “game” mode all the time is tiring and a waste of thought and effort. The rule is that there are no longer any rules.

10) Stigma Be Damned

Online dating used to be frowned upon by many. It probably still is by a few, but the stigma has certainly waned. Most singletons I know have tried it, and those who have been in long-term relationships and have never had a chance to use it themselves seem curious about how well it works. I would say that full acceptance depends on the forum (i.e. Tinder vs. Match), but even ideas about various sites and apps are changing over time. Regardless, the notion of meeting your significant other online isn’t so far-fetched nowadays. In fact, it’s more common than you’d guess.

Have you read Modern Romance? What were your takeaways? I’d love to hear in the comments section below.

Notes, notes and more notes.

Notes, notes and more notes.

Things I Learned From a Book About Finding Love

One of the daily practices prescribed in the book, Calling in "The One."

One of the daily practices prescribed in the book, Calling in “The One.”

My friend talked a couple of us into starting a book club with her. The book was Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life by Katherine Woodward Thomas. Needless to say, I was skeptical. It ultimately took half a year to finish, but I did it. Six months for a seven week program, or approximately 178 days versus the 49 it should supposedly take. The point is, it was more drawn out than it should have been.

Nevertheless, we juggled our work schedules, hobbies, social lives along with the readings and exercises, and, eventually, we managed to finish our final discussion. It has been about a month since our group last met, and I’m not sure the premise of the book worked. It may have for one of my friends, just not for me. Not yet, anyway. Granted, it doesn’t guarantee love is going to magically appear in your life within the time allotted on the cover.

Rather, as I worked my way through the pages from cover to cover, I understood that it’s not about doing things to make you seem more attractive on the surface. Instead, it’s a matter of getting to know who you are as a person, aiming to better yourself, and knowing that what you put out there is what you hope to receive in return because that’s what you deserve, for better or worse.

Honestly, I never imagined I’d read a book like this. I didn’t think it would come down to that. Then again, I never used to think I’d try speed dating or online dating, so never say never! However, despite my reservations, I found the author’s writings to be quite interesting and insightful, even when I felt like the examples didn’t quite apply to me. So, if you’re interested in giving Calling in “The One” a go, I’d recommend it.

If you’d prefer not to, but you’re wondering what kinds of nuggets are tucked away in the tome, I thought it would be good for me to list out the most important things I learned (or, at least, was reminded of) and to share them with you.

We are connected to everyone and everything.

We are connected to everyone and everything.

1. We might all live in our own little bubbles at times, but it’s important to remember that you are connected to everyone and everything. Think of the butterfly effect.

2. It’s necessary to make room for people in your life. If you cannot literally set aside space or time for them, you’re probably not mentally ready for a relationship.

3. Know what makes you happy and understand that you are allowed to be a bit selfish. Ask for what you want and need. Be okay with what people are willing and able to give to you.

4. Be the person you want to attract in your life. For example, you can’t expect to snag someone who’s ambitious if you’re perpetually lazy.

5. Have an idea of what you want in life. Vision boards can help you better visualize your goals and possibly guide you towards them.

6. Understand that you’re a work in progress and so is everyone else in this world. People are not perfect, but it’s important to be the best we’re capable of being at any given moment.

7. Believe that sometimes a loss is actually a gain. Often times, things happen for a reason, even if the reason isn’t clear at first.

8. Avoiding toxic ties and all around negativity is paramount in life. If we stew in all the bad, it makes it really hard to wash it out. Strive to be as positive as possible and only keep those whom you trust and who make you happy in your inner circle. Read about my quest for positivity here.

9. Take each mistake or failure as an opportunity to learn and improve yourself.

10. Life and love may not turn out to be exactly as you pictured, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Be open to possibilities.

11. Nurture any passions you have or think you might have because they build your character and make you who you are.

Simple pleasures can make a big impact.

Simple pleasures can make a big impact.

12. Live in the moment. Appreciate things as they happen because it may be your one and only chance to experience it. Show gratitude for even the smallest things because simple pleasures often make the biggest impact.

13. Know your own boundaries and don’t be afraid to draw lines if you need to. Others should have the decency to respect them. You’re allowed to say no and to speak up for yourself.

14. Your worries really can be put in a box and forgotten about until you wish to bring them out again. This one probably requires a little bit of explaining. One of the practices we were tasked with doing one week was to select a box, decorate it and then fill it with all of your worries. When you were done, you literally sealed them away. It made me realize that life can be overwhelming. We’re often trying to deal with multiple things at once. Yet, sometimes, it’s best to deal with difficult situations one at a time. It’s kind of a daunting thought, but if something isn’t solved right away, it’ll always be there later. For me, when I put my stresses on paper and then tucked them into my wisdom box, I felt so much lighter, and, truthfully, since I did that, I haven’t really dwelt as much on each and every thing that had been weighing me down.

15. There’s no point in having regrets about the past. You can’t change the past (unless you have a time machine). Just be sure to do the things you want to do now (as long as it’s feasible for you), so you don’t have any regrets in the future.

16. There are things I’d love to change about myself physically. However, it’ll either take a lot of time or it’s simply not going to happen (save for a body swap), so know that nobody has a truly perfect body (not even supermodels). You can be thankful for every inch of yourself for some reason or another. Ex. I wish my legs were longer and a lot slimmer, but, hey, I have legs and they give me the ability to walk. Win!

17. Cultivate solitude. You need to know who you are by yourself to know who you are when you’re with others. Read my post about being alone, but not lonely here.

18. Take some risks. Be a “yes” person.

Writing this post is my version of a personal risk. I probably would have been embarrassed to tell people about something like this in the past, but, nowadays, I believe that sharing is caring. I hope these words may inspire some of you or help you on your journeys in life and love. All the best!

Las Vegas: A Not So Sinful Sin City Trip

On the Las Vegas Strip - Paris and Planet Hollywood

On the Las Vegas Strip – Paris and Planet Hollywood

Las Vegas is a bit of an anomaly. Ad campaigns that sell sex, pool parties, nightlife and intrigue are targeted to adults, giving them a place to let loose and forget about their cares while allowing them to return home and pretend as if it never happened.

Yet, on my visit last week, I couldn’t help but notice that, while you can certainly indulge some of your wildest fantasies in Sin City, there is also a bit of a contradiction when I see parents bringing newborn babies with them. I’m not saying that I necessarily agree with people who decide to travel with small children to Las Vegas – the air is rife with smoke that will hurt their little lungs and it doesn’t really allow for you to enjoy a day at the casino – however, this city has become more of a family affair over the years and various events and shows currently cater to a wider variety of patrons. Even I remember going to Vegas with my parents, but as a child I can’t say I recall enjoying it that much. As an adult though, there is more than enough to keep me entertained.

Now a traveler in my late twenties, I can still enjoy an evening of debauchery at a dance club despite never having been a huge partier, but there is no way I can do that a few nights in a row. So, what exactly did I fill the rest of my time with when I landed in the wonderfully warm and snow-free desert? Let me recount the events for you.

Flying over the outskirts of Las Vegas - beautiful brown earth here we come!

Flying over the outskirts of Las Vegas – beautiful brown earth here we come!

Day #1

Upon arriving at the McCarran International Airport, I immediately noticed that the terminal we entered was shiny and new, which was a major plus in my books. There is nothing worse than getting off a plane and entering an area that is old and crowded, so the bright and open space was a great welcome. My friend, Ashley, and I took a cab to Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino where, thankfully, it didn’t take us long to check in. Because we arrived early, we did have to pay a small fee to get our room right away, but the extra $16 was worth it.

After freshening up, it was time for lunch. Ashley had been telling me for weeks how amazing Earl of Sandwich is, so, of course, we made a beeline for the place inside the Miracle Mile. I tried the All American with turkey, cheddar, cranberries, lettuce, tomato and ranch dressing while Ashley ordered the Holiday Turkey, basically Thanksgiving in a bun. Our sandwiches did not disappoint! So messy to eat, but delicious, and for two major foodies, it was an excellent start to our time in Vegas.

Later in the afternoon we walked over to ARIA to sign up for the M Life card, which is a requirement for many of the rewards that can be redeemed off of myVEGAS Slots, a game that is available as an app on most phones as well as on Facebook. As you play the slots or blackjack games, you accumulate loyalty points that can then be used to purchase vouchers for restaurants, buffets, drinks, shows, attractions and merchandise. Both Ashley and I played prior to our trip and we were able to exchange our points for coupons that either provided us with free meals or entrées and helped us to save quite a bit on food during our vacation.

Dinner that evening was enjoyed at Dal Toro in the Palazzo. The restaurant has tables that look into the showroom of the Las Vegas Car Museum, which makes for an interesting atmosphere that is colourful yet quiet and serves a menu of traditional Italian cuisine. The portion size of pasta was quite large and the sauce was not overly creamy and went well with the glass of Prosecco I ordered. I also liked that we weren’t rushed and we were able to linger after we finished eating.

The night was still young, so we crossed to the west side of the strip and walked south towards Caesars Palace Hotel & Casino to catch Shania Twain‘s show, Still the One, at the Colosseum. I have been a Shania fan for years, but had never had the chance to see her live and boy am I glad that Ashley was willing to go with me. We bought tickets way up at the top since they were the most affordable and while the view wasn’t bad, we couldn’t really make out Shania’s face that well. But, as luck would have it, the ushers offered to move us down to the main floor as they like to fill empty seats. We ended up sitting maybe ten rows from the stage and had a fantastic view. Shania was extremely personable throughout the show – she brought fans on stage to hang out by the campfire with her, she stopped to talk to the audience throughout the show, she came through the orchestra seats and shook people’s hands (mine and Ashley’s included!) and took pictures with people – and she has a knockout voice and a killer body. She reminded me of why she is a star and continues to be loved by so many. I also had forgotten just how many hits she has had during her career. This was an excellent end to our evening and I would highly recommend her show to anyone visiting Las Vegas before the end of July this year.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Day #2

This was a very full day. It began with lunch at Gordon Ramsay’s BurGR located right inside the Planet Hollywood casino. The two of us each got a Farm Burger (a beef patty topped with duck breast bacon, English sharp cheddar and a fried egg) and we shared an order of the truffle Parmesan fries. I wish I could have gone there again, but, alas, we had many other places to go to. Should you decide to stop there for a bite, I recommend getting there earlier, if possible, otherwise the line-up or wait can get long. Also, sign up for Total Rewards because showing the card will give you a dollar off each menu item at the restaurant.

Absolutely stuffed after finishing our lunch, we caught the SDX bus in front of Paris Hotel & Casino. Six dollars will allow you two hours to ride either the Deuce or the SDX, but I suggest paying an extra two dollars to get a twenty-four hour pass. If you are planning to take the bus to the north outlet mall like we did, it is a safer bet to have the extra time to ride as it takes 40 minutes just to get there from the middle of the strip and another 40 minutes to get back. Having a bus ticket that gives you a full day’s use ensures you can peruse the stores at your leisure. Ashley and I spent about three hours at the Premium Outlets looking for wallets and while a number of stores had what we were looking for, the prices and quality at Fossil could not be beat. Aside from that, we didn’t leave with much else, but deals can certainly be found there.

We made it back to the strip in time for our six o’clock reservation at Wolfgang Puck Bar & Grill inside the MGM Grand. Each of us decided to go with a fish dish – Ashley had the Pan Seared Black Bass and I had the Grilled Scottish Salmon – both of which were cooked to perfection. Paired with wine, it was a light meal that left us satisfied.

Back at the hotel, we had a little time to kill, so we shopped the Miracle Mile for a bit and found some killer discounts at French Connection. We also received wristbands for the Britney Spears afterparty at Koi Ultra Lounge inside Planet Hollywood.

Britney Spears during "Work Bitch"

Britney Spears during “Work Bitch”

Next up was Britney Spears‘s show, Piece of Me, at the Axis theatre. I’d been waiting all through 2013 for her to announce her residency, so when I heard it was official, I had to go to Vegas to see her. I grew up listening to Britney and I’m still a big fan. I have to say, she did not disappoint. She’s still not matching the level that she was at back in 2001 with “I’m a Slave 4 U” or 2003 with “Toxic,” but we have to remember that was more than ten years ago and times change. Her show was so much fun. She seemed energetic and present and I hope that, as she continues on with her time at Planet Hollywood, she will move further into the zone (pun intended) and just own it. Still, there was tons to keep my attention – plenty of dancing spread out between her and her dancers and music to take me on a trip down memory lane. Dare I say that I would go back and see her again? Absolutely!

Pumped up after the concert, we dolled ourselves up and headed to Koi Ultra Lounge. The cover charge was $20, but drinks were free all night. Although, I’m truly not sure how many drinks you can get away with there. The bartender basically free poured and every beverage we had consisted of at least five ounces of alcohol. It made for a fun evening of dancing though, which is why we went out that night. If only married men didn’t continuously hit on us. Why do they think it’s okay? Do we want to go use your hot tub? No, we don’t. Notwithstanding some of the unwanted attention (there were a few guys that were alright), the night went by quickly and before we knew it, the lights were up and it was time to go to sleep.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Day #3

We took it pretty easy on the third day of our vacation. After “sleeping in” (we didn’t really get much sleep since we didn’t go to bed until about four in the morning) we ventured across the street to ARIA for the lunch buffet. I’ve eaten there the last three times I have been in the city because the desserts alone are worth the cost. There is literally something for everyone. I enjoy the sushi, snow crab, curry and naan, but what brings me back time and again are the Jean Philippe Patisserie sweets that are to die for. While I completely overate, I think it was worth it.

A canoe art piece outside ARIA.

A canoe art piece outside ARIA.

A quick trip to Topshop and the Tix4Tonight booth at the Fashion Show mall helped to work off some of our meal. Unfortunately, we didn’t have any luck snagging any discounted tickets to the O by Cirque du Soleil show for that evening, but we checked with the desk at Bellagio and managed to purchase a couple of the few remaining tickets in the balcony.

O was quite the treat. I’ve never really had much of an interest in the circus, but many of the performers are pure athletes and how they are so flexible I’ll never know. It was certainly entertaining – my favourite part being the diving segment – but, out of all the Cirque shows that are currently playing in Vegas, it is probably the most expensive one there and one of the more mellow ones to see. The music is quite soothing throughout the show, so after the previous night we had, we found ourselves nodding off for a few seconds here and there. Still, I would recommend O to others as it had a great mix of stunts and comedy. Next time I go to Vegas I think I’ll see something a bit more upbeat like at MGM Grand, The Beatles LOVE at The Mirage or Michael Jackson ONE at Mandalay Bay.

The Bellagio fountains

The Bellagio fountains

Ducks watching the fountains at the Bellagio with us.

Ducks watching the fountains at the Bellagio with us.

Day #4

Our fourth and last day in the city, we had to be out of our hotel room by 11 AM. Because our flight wasn’t leaving for another nine hours we checked our baggage with Planet Hollywood before making our way to Luxor to redeem our free buffet lunch from myVEGAS Slots. The variety of food there was nice – the orzo salad was great and so was the health bar (weird name) cheesecake.

This was also the day that we finally had a chance to see the small, but spectacular Liberace exhibit found on the main floor of the Cosmopolitan. The American vocalist and pianist’s intricate stage outfits and grand piano that glittered from the sunlight that shone through the windows were literally works of art. Everything was extremely detailed and ornate, the perfect fit for a man who seemed to be larger than life.

A few of Liberace's stage outfits on display in the Cosmopolitan's exhibit.

A few of Liberace’s stage outfits on display in the Cosmopolitan’s exhibit.

Of course, we couldn’t leave Vegas without doing one last thing: losing some money. Ashley and I played the slots both in the Cosmopolitan and at Planet Hollywood, gambling away around $20 to $30 each while providing a bit of entertainment for an hour or two.

Next thing we knew, it was time to go back to Edmonton. Four short days was actually plenty in Sin City. I had an incredible time, but I always feel ready to head home by the end of a Vegas holiday.

So, whether you’re my age, older, single, dating, married, or with your girlfriends, kids or your mom, there are so many things to keep visitors occupied in Las Vegas. If you like warm weather, hiking (if you’re willing to venture over to Red Rock Canyon), lounging by the pool, eating, walking, shopping and watching shows, I guarantee you’ll enjoy a stop in this desert of excess!

I’m even hoping to go back in October for the Life is Beautiful Festival, a fantastic mix of music, food, art, and learning, which are all the things I love rolled into one. My friend went last year and said she had such a good time at the festival, so I would love to experience it for myself, if possible.

Spreading Positivity & Inspiring Others

Brighten someone's day and then pay it forward!

Brighten someone’s day and then pay it forward!

I’ve got an experiment in the works!

Starting in December I’ll be handing out positivity cards to friends and strangers. My hope is that they will share with me how they felt about receiving the note. Once they have, I ask that they pass their card onto another deserving soul.

For more information about this idea and to leave me a message, click here to head to the “Brighter Days Ahead” page.

And, if you’re not in the Edmonton area, but are in the mood to lift someone else’s spirits, just write a note and pass it forward. Then come back and tell me about the recipient’s reaction and how you felt about spreading some joy.

Peace & love!

Crystal