(Non) Romantic Notions: Takeaways from Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance

 

Fits right in with my decor.

Fits right in with my decor.

Having picked Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance: An Investigation as the selection for my group’s book club, I feel like I can probably talk about the information gleaned from it for days on end. After all, I led a few meetings where we delved deep into what it all meant for those of us who were/are still wading in the dating pool. It’s a tome that felt so relevant to my life over these past few years, meaning it was ripe for discussion.

If you’ve read my previous post about the things I learned from our first book club read, Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life, you’ll understand that love, life, and bettering one’s self are constant themes that I reflect on. Modern Romance was a great continuation of our investigation into the idea of relationships without the urge to throw the book at the wall as we experienced with book two, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (not our choice, but we stuck it out), which seemed to set the whole idea of equality back and then some. Instead, Modern Romance has a present day sensibility and humour that makes it easy to relate to.

Our last meeting was in January. A lot has happened since then. I’ve allowed my thoughts about Modern Romance to stew, and these are the points that still stick out in my mind. They’re not necessarily things that make you feel like love is out there, or that romance is possibly around every corner. In fact, some of the findings from Aziz Ansari’s research and interviews has me questioning whether or not romance can even be found in modern life; have we stripped all notions of romance away? Yet, this is the reality for a lot of people today, myself included, and, for better or worse, we’ll muddle our way through it until we’re happy.

1) Online Introduction Services

With the Internet came the biggest change in the way we date. We’re no longer relegated to people like our neighbours and schoolmates. The pool is large and vast, and it’s online. Our biggest problem with online dating is that it is often seen by users as an instant way to find a soul mate. When we first sign up, we see so much potential and, often, our expectations can be high. But, those of us who have had the pleasure of sifting through all of those profiles know that it’s actually a huge chore and a lot of work. Usually, the outcome isn’t great. What I took away from Modern Romance is that you can’t go into online dating thinking of it as DATING. All dating sites or apps are essentially introduction services. Nothing more. It’s a way for you to reach out to someone you may never otherwise have a chance of coming into contact with. However, once you do, it’s up to both parties to put in the effort (i.e. actually talk, really make plans to meet).

2) Don’t Be So Judgemental

People are too quick to judge. They make snap decisions and refuse to give someone good a chance. Sometimes the reasoning might be sound. On other occasions, it just seems like it’s because we/they didn’t fulfill all of the boxes of perfection. Maybe we’re scared of opening up to a new person and that’s why we back out so fast. I’m not entirely sure. All I know is that there are times, for me, when it seemed like a meeting went well and the signs were there, but it still went nowhere. Now, I find myself wondering, what if? What if I had given so and so a second date? What if that guy didn’t ghost me after we met and he actually took the time to get to know me past that hour-long coffee date? He might not be my boyfriend, but maybe he’d end up being my friend. You never know.

3) What is Chemistry?

Chemistry is a funny idea. We’ve all experienced it. That sense of attraction to someone that just can’t be explained is something people continually seek out in friends and partners. Why do we have to have that off the bat though? In the past, I’ve found that I’ve become more attracted to someone the longer I know them. As friends, you learn a lot about each other and you’ve got that comfort that doesn’t necessarily appear out of the blue with someone who is, more or less, a stranger. Chemistry is great, and the idea of it has been around for a long time. However, living in the age we do now – constant connection and immediate access to our social spheres – we’ve become accustomed to the feeling of instant gratification and it’s not always a good thing. Sometimes the best outcomes take time.

4) No Talking Allowed

When I say no talking, I mean out loud and face-to-face. It has become the norm to text using your smart phone rather than to pick up the phone and make a call. I’m not sure of when we started fearing the idea of hearing each others’ voices, but it has happened. I know people who avoid speaking to someone over the phone whenever possible, and I find it funny because it’s not my favourite thing either anymore. Yet, rewind to when I was in junior high and high school, and I loved to phone up my friends just to catch up with them. Granted, we didn’t have the ability to text back then, but the sound of someone’s voice is so much more telling and warm than font on a screen, isn’t it?

5) Technology Has Ruined Romance

I might be exaggerating a little bit. Today’s dating endeavours are aided by the use of technology. But, all of it can be a bit of burden, too. Technology creates the ties that bind us, and, while it’s helpful, we’ve sort of lost that ability to communicate well. With that, we’ve also lost some of that spontaneity that many of us grew up with. No longer can we be satisfied with an impromptu date at the closest taco place. No, we’ve got to find the best possible date and the top-rated Mexican cantina in town before we even fathom going out. It’s all or nothing.

Look at all of those stickies.

Look at all of those stickies.

6) Too Much of Something is Bad Enough (thanks, Spice Girls)

Endless options create less satisfaction and make us more indecisive. Have you ever gone to a restaurant where the menu goes on for pages? You’re sitting there with your friends and none of them can make up their mind because, every time they flip the page, there’s another item that catches their eye. Dating today is like that, multiplied by 1,000. Is there someone better than the person I’m seeing? I want the best. The problem is, you’ll never know if you’ve got the best until you’ve sampled 100 per cent of the offerings, which is impossible. So, if you find someone you like who makes you happy, just be happy with them and don’t overthink it.

7) Quid Pro Quo

We often want what we’re not willing to give in return. I went to Aziz Anzari’s stand up show in San Diego last year. During the event, he asked the audience what approach they take when they’re not interested in someone: a) tell them, b) pretend to be busy, or c) say nothing. The audience was most responsive to Options B and C. On the flip side, when Aziz wanted to know how we’d prefer to find out that someone wasn’t interested in us, the majority cheered for Option A. Aziz thought that was a double standard and he was right. We ask for honesty and straightforwardness from others even when we refuse to offer the same.

8) The Non-Existent Relationship Status

Let’s just call it what it is. Early on, when getting to know someone, I totally understand that the relationship status is going to be in limbo. It’s likely that neither party has made a decision about where they want things to go yet. However, past that first meet and greet, I want it to be clear whether or not the next get together is an actual date. “Hanging out” is a term that I want to disappear unless it’s used in the context of friendship. I think that guys often utilize it because they want to be casual about things and women might say that because they don’t want to seem too eager. Either way, it’s frustrating when you get stuck in that zone.

9) Burn the Rule Book

There are many so-called rules of dating, but these “rules” can be debilitating. They’re ridiculous to follow and they’re often contradictory, so throw them out the window. For example, if the person on the other end is so judgmental about you replying to their text within minutes of you receiving it, then they really have nothing better to think about. People often reply quickly out of courtesy or because they know they’re forgetful when they wait, not because they don’t have a life. Being in “game” mode all the time is tiring and a waste of thought and effort. The rule is that there are no longer any rules.

10) Stigma Be Damned

Online dating used to be frowned upon by many. It probably still is by a few, but the stigma has certainly waned. Most singletons I know have tried it, and those who have been in long-term relationships and have never had a chance to use it themselves seem curious about how well it works. I would say that full acceptance depends on the forum (i.e. Tinder vs. Match), but even ideas about various sites and apps are changing over time. Regardless, the notion of meeting your significant other online isn’t so far-fetched nowadays. In fact, it’s more common than you’d guess.

Have you read Modern Romance? What were your takeaways? I’d love to hear in the comments section below.

Notes, notes and more notes.

Notes, notes and more notes.

Edmonton Restaurant Review: The Almanac

Drinks to start the night off right.

Drinks to start the night off right.

If I have a chance to, I like to give new eateries a try. The Almanac is one I had heard of because it was being touted as a much needed music venue following the loss of a handful of established locations within the last year or two.

Located in the heart of Old Strathcona, it opened in December, otherwise known as the dead of winter. I had all but forgotten about it until I came across a Groupon deal. For me, those are sometimes the best excuse to try a different place. My friend and I decided to go in early February (I know, this is quite delayed).

The restaurant has large Whyte Avenue facing windows, which are great for people watching should you manage to snag one of the long booths at the front of the house. We did have an OpenTable reservation, but we would have had no trouble the night we went, and were told we could choose any available table. Although there aren’t a whole lot of seats to fill, it was still relatively empty for a Thursday evening. I assume the restaurant’s infancy had something to do with it.

Once we sat down, the server very promptly came over with the menus. She let us know of the specials and then gave us a few minutes to look through all of the French-inspired options.

We started off with a couple of beverages: a pint of beer for my friend and the raspberry cocktail for me. The latter’s magenta hued liquid was nicely poured into a classic glass and garnished with a curl of lemon rind. Just a bit of sweetness came through as I sipped, but it was a smooth drink with a pleasant flavour and finish.

Caramelized Onion & Gruyere Tart

Caramelized Onion & Gruyere Tart

For dinner, the two of us opted to share the Caramelized Onion and Gruyere Tart for our appetizer. The pastry was flaky and the filling tasted good. Arugula and perhaps some sprouts made up the mixed green salad on top of the tart, providing a bit of bitterness to counter the sweetness of the onion and the savoury notes from the cheese. My one disappointment is that it seemed like the tart was made well in advance, so the Gruyere didn’t have that melted gooiness it would have if it was properly warmed. That was a bit of a stumble.

Mushroom Ragu with Truffle Gnocchi and Seasonal Vegetables

Mushroom Ragu with Truffle Gnocchi and Seasonal Vegetables

I had some trouble making a decision about my entrée, but my friend chose the Mushroom Ragu, which looked like a filling vegetarian dish. The kitchen certainly seemed to be generous with the mushrooms. I thought, as a whole, this selection was seasoned well. The truffled gnocchi that accompanied the ragu were plump and lightly browned, and the white beets (the seasonal vegetable at the time) were a lovely surprise.

The Almanac Burger with Soup

The Almanac Burger with Soup

In the end, I selected the Almanac Burger. I tend to cook very little meat at home, so when I go out, I often pick things I’m unlikely to make myself. The thick burger patty was a good size – I’d guesstimate that it was close to five ounces. It’s definitely not the largest burger and there was a tad too much bun, but I really enjoyed the bourbon caramelized onion, honey goat cheese (so much cheese!), tomato and arugula that were layered with the beef.

The burger also came with a side, so I went with the Chef’s daily soup. I was given a salad by accident when my plate first arrived, but a bowl of soup quickly replaced it. I swear the server had said that it was a chicken gnocchi soup. Yet, I was met with a chicken broth that had ample vegetable stock. There was no gnocchi in sight. It was slightly bland. Thankfully, it came with quite a bit of chicken, so no skimping there. Also, on the plus side, the soup was heated well.

I fully realize that dessert is not a requirement of every meal, but since I was at The Almanac and I wasn’t sure when I might be back, it made complete sense to sample something from nearly every part of the eatery’s menu.

The White Chocolate Pot de Crème with Fall Fruit Compote that my friend ordered was pretty decadent. The custard was actually quite light while maintaining a creamy texture. There was a lot of fruit to the side and atop the custard, too.

Dessert: Banana Cream Pie and White Chocolate Creme de Pot

Dessert: Banana Cream Pie and White Chocolate Pot de Crème

A new addition to the menu was the Banana Cream Pie with Chocolate Drizzle. It’s a small menu, and I knew I’d get a bite of my friend’s food, so, for variety, Banana Cream Pie it was. Definitely a dish for sharing, I would recommend it for two hungry people or even four people who want to finish the night with a small portion of dessert. The plate looked like it was attacked by Jackson Pollack – a bit messy, but still pleasing (because of the chocolate). I would have preferred something flakier for the crust, which was closer in texture to a firm shortbread cookie. However, the thinly sliced banana scorched with caramelized sugar was prepared well.

Being that The Almanac is fresh to Edmonton’s burgeoning food scene, it was a decent all-round experience. I wasn’t wowed though, and I wouldn’t necessarily go out of my way to revisit the place. We were also in and out within a couple of hours and, when we left, it wasn’t particularly late, so there wasn’t any entertainment going either (if that’s something that even happens on weekday evenings). If there’s ever a live show there that I’m interested in seeing or I’m free on a Sunday when they have board game day, I might pop by again sooner than later.